


Rediscovery

by this_wayward_life



Series: Kinktober 2020 [30]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Brain Damage, Bucky Barnes Recovering, First Time, Gentle Sex, HYDRA Trash Party, Hurt/Comfort, Kinda, M/M, Mutual Masturbation, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Torture, Porn with Feelings, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:35:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27295009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/this_wayward_life/pseuds/this_wayward_life
Summary: After his time with Hydra, Bucky's found it hard to be touched sexually. He and Steve experiment.--Day 30 - Mutual Masturbation
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Series: Kinktober 2020 [30]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1951222
Comments: 8
Kudos: 222





	Rediscovery

**Author's Note:**

> Blanket warning for past Hydra Trash Party activities, typical winter soldier trauma, and permanent brain damage. Don't worry, this is very soft.

Before the war, Steve knew everything there was to know about his best friend. He knew Bucky's likes, his dislikes, how he could create masterpieces out of the three potatoes and stale chicken stock in their icebox but how he'll refuse to clean the apartment. He knew how Bucky liked his alcohol, which cigarette brand he preferred, how to lay him out on their shitty twin bed and reduce him to a quivering mess with just a few fingers and his lips. Steve knew that Bucky liked to be held, to have a body covering his own, to have Steve inside him, in his most intimate places. In all aspects of their life, Bucky was a caretaker, but when they retreated into their bedroom he'd give that up and let Steve take care of him.

Then the war came, and Bucky was shipped off. When Steve rescued him from Kreischburg he was more drawn in, less outgoing, more hesitant to fall back into their dynamic, but eventually Steve broke him down and Bucky folded into his new, strong arms, doe-eyed and soft. Bucky got more desperate during the war, their lovemaking taking on a frantic edge as they took every chance they got to be together. Against a tree during patrol, Bucky getting burns from the bark that rubbed against his back as Steve rocked into him. In their shared tent, Bucky shoving Steve down and riding him hard, his hand clamped securely around Steve's mouth. In the SSR bases, after Steve's had to reciprocate Peggy's flirtations and Bucky dragged him into a broom closet and dropped to his knees, taking Steve's cock in his mouth like he was starving for it. 

But now. Now, things are different.

When Bucky had first come back to Steve, he'd been delirious from withdrawal, vomiting every few hours and unable to keep even the smallest sips of water down. When he wasn't shaking so hard his teeth would rattle, when he wasn't curled around the toilet bowl and letting out small sobs through his heaves, he'd sit in the corner of Steve's apartment with his knees drawn up to his chest, watching every move Steve made with terror in his eyes.

A month after he'd arrived and three weeks after the worst of his withdrawal, Bucky started speaking again. Not full sentences, not even anything that Steve could really make sense out of, just mumbling rambles in an amalgamation of English, Russian and Hebrew, verses from the Torah, and the occasional cry of Steve's name. He had nightmares every night for the first year and would shrink away when Steve tried to comfort him. He ate nothing but liquid foods for two months, and even after two years, he still can't eat animal products without becoming bedridden with illness.

But, Bucky is getting better. Two years of self-discovery and recovery hasn't restored Bucky to the man he was before the war, but then Steve's changed, too. They're both a little broken, a little bent out of shape, and together have enough issues to fuel a psychologist's wildest dreams. But they fit.

The thing that Bucky beats himself up about the most is their sex life. Before the war, Steve was so ill he could rarely get hard, but it didn't stop him from having a sexual appetite that just about matched Buckys. Then the serum, and Steve was finally able to keep up with himself and his urges, and pretty much any time they were alone they'd end up getting each other off. Bucky's always loved sex, and Steve knows this. But now... Now, their circumstances are a little different.

A year and a half into his recovery and just a couple months after he and Steve had rekindled their relationship, Bucky had come home from his therapy session pale-faced and shaking. Before this, their sex life had been non-existent, with small chaste kisses on the lips being as far as they'd gone, and Bucky had collapsed into Steve's arms and broken down. That's how Steve learned about the torture.

Objectively, Steve had known that Bucky had been tortured, but he rarely thought about it lest he goes on a murderous rampage, killing any Hydra operatives he came across. He never once thought that Hydra's torture would have been sexual in nature. Bucky hadn't looked at him while he'd told the story, instead burying his face in Steve's neck and trembling through his confession. He'd told Steve about the punishments, the rough sex, the gang rapes. There had been parties, large gatherings of all of Hydra's officials, and he'd been tied up to use for their pleasure. There had been names, too, of the worst officials; Pierce, Karpov, Cynthia Schmidt. Steve had held Bucky through it, simmering with barely-concealed rage and horror at the evil Bucky'd had to endure, at the cruelty of their fellow human beings. 

Now, Bucky wants to rekindle their sex life, and Steve has reluctantly gone with it. Not because he doesn't want to have sex with Bucky - Steve's never been able to contain himself around Bucky, never been able to stop his love and lust from bursting through his skin, showing Bucky just how much he wants him - but because _what if Bucky doesn't want to have sex with him?_. Bucky's come so far, and Steve's so proud of him, and he doesn't want to send Bucky into a backwards spiral with a wayward touch or heated comment.

It's around nine in the evening, and Steve and Bucky are sitting, side by side, against the headboard. Bucky's got his head resting against Steve's shoulder as he fucks around on his phone, and Steve's reading a book that Sam had lent to him. It's nice, intimate - Steve had missed these domestic moments more than anything else, and being able to have Bucky next to him, giggling about some meme that Clint sent him, is magical.

It doesn't take long for Bucky to start shifting, though, glancing up at Steve like he's trying to be sneaky. Steve lets him dither for a few minutes before putting down his book and turning his body to face his boyfriend.

"What's up?" Steve asks softly. Bucky shrugs but straightens up to face Steve, reaching out shyly with his hands. Steve places his hands in Bucky's, and the tenseness in Bucky's shoulders disappears.

"I wanna try," Bucky says quietly. "Tonight."

It takes Steve a couple of seconds to get it, but when he does, he can't help the rush of excitement mixed with worry. "Are you sure?"

Bucky nods, taking one of his hands out of Steve's to tuck a stray strand of hair behind his ear. He's worrying at his lip, not meeting Steve's eyes, and Steve starts tracing patterns in the back of Bucky's hand, trying to calm him down.

"I've talked to my therapist about it," he confesses. "And I've done a bit of... research, I guess. I don't wanna go all in yet, but..."

Steve waits patiently, letting Bucky find his words. Since Hydra, Bucky's had a bit of trouble vocalising some things, and a brain scan had shown some permanent damage to some part of his brain that helps with speech. Steve doesn't know the specifics, other than that Bucky sometimes loses his words.

Eventually, Bucky manages to say, "I want you to hold me. And... And I want to get myself off."

"And you're sure?" Steve asks, despite his brain screaming at him to say yes, to take anything Bucky wants to give him. "You're not just doing this for me?"

"I'm doing this for me," Bucky says, then gives a small, shy smile. "You're just a benefit."

A startled laugh escapes him, and Steve leans in to kiss Bucky's forehead. "Where do you want me?"

Bucky's eyes light up. "Take your clothes off and sit against the headboard, legs apart."

Steve does as he's told, settling comfortably against a mountain of pillows that separate his back from the hard surface of the headboard. "Love it when you boss me around."

Bucky laughs and reaches for the hem of his shirt, pulling it easily over his head. It had been hard, getting Bucky to trust him enough to see him unclothed, but it had been worth it; now, Bucky doesn't shy away from Steve's touch on his bare skin, and sits proudly, scars and all. Steve's hand twitches from its place on his thigh, his cock filling up as he watches Bucky slide his pyjama pants down his legs, exposing more mottled, pale skin. He's so gorgeous, pale silver lines littering his body and the light dusting of hair over his legs, getting thicker as it gets closer to his groin. There's a little happy trail leading from Bucky's chest to his cock, which is hanging soft between his legs.

"You're so gorgeous," Steve breathes out. A faint blush lights up Bucky's cheeks as he scoffs, climbing into Steve's lap to press his back against Steve's chest. Steve's cock rubs against Bucky's lower back, now fully hard. Bucky reaches over to grab the lube from their bedside drawer - just because they haven't tried anything yet, doesn't mean that neither of them masturbates. Steve's libido is frankly ridiculous, and Bucky's still trying to get used to sexual urges again. 

"Want some?" Bucky asks, uncapping the lube and squeezing a bit out onto his flesh hand.

"I can touch you?" Steve asks, but Bucky shakes his head with a chuckle.

"No, idiot, for yourself." Steve must have a dumb look on his face, because Bucky raises an eyebrow. "You seriously thought I wouldn't let you get off?"

"I didn't wanna make you uncomfortable!" Steve protests, letting Bucky squeeze a dollop onto his palm with a laugh. "Thought that maybe I'd hold you as you got yourself off, then sneak off to the bathroom later."

"You're ridiculous," Bucky says fondly, and leans his head back against Steve's shoulder. "Kiss me?"

Steve leans down, fitting their mouths together as Bucky wraps his hand around himself. The kiss is a bit awkward, the angle weird, and Steve's trying to keep his eye on the way Bucky's lazily stroking himself to hardness while also making sure Bucky's still comfortable. Bucky breaks the kiss with a quiet moan, but keeps his head against Steve's shoulder.

"Feel good?" Steve asks, helplessly watching Bucky's cock disappear into his fist. Bucky nods, biting his lip as his eyes fall closed, and god, he's beautiful.

"Want you to touch yourself," Bucky murmurs, eyes still closed. "Want you to feel good."

Steve hesitates, just slightly, but it's enough for Bucky to open his eyes and pin Steve with a fondly exasperated look. "Yes, baby, I'll tell you if I get uncomfortable."

"Promise?" Steve asks.

"Promise," Bucky reassures him. "Gimme your other hand."

Steve lets his right arm curl around Bucky's body to slide his hand into Bucky's metal one, and his left hand sneaks between their bodies to curl around his hard cock. The first touch is almost too much, and Steve lets out a hiss as a dribble of precome makes a mess of Bucky's lower back.

"Forgot how wet you get," Bucky murmurs, twining their fingers together. "Play with the head a bit, Stevie, I know how much you like that."

"God, Buck," Steve whispers, pressing his lips to the soft skin behind Bucky's ear. "God, you're amazing."

Bucky hums, twisting his hand and moaning softly, and Steve watches his cock get fully hard in his grip. Maybe next time, Steve can get on his knees for Bucky and suck him off, maybe even play with his hole a bit. Bucky's always loved it when Steve did that, and Steve's always loved doing it. He'll do anything to get Bucky feeling good, try anything just to see Bucky's lips part in pleasure, his eyes fluttering shut.

"Steve," Bucky says, but he sounds a little less sure than before. Steve immediately snaps back into the present, squeezing Bucky's hand a bit tighter. "Need you to talk. Gotta hear your voice." _So I know it's you_ goes unsaid, so Steve kisses Bucky's earlobe and starts talking. 

"I love having you in my arms," Steve said quietly, his voice a bit rougher than he'd expected, but Bucky sinks back into his embrace with a moan. "God, Buck, you're so gorgeous, working that pretty cock of yours. It feel good, honey?"

"Mhmm," Bucky sighs happily, grinding back against Steve's cock and letting it slip between his ass cheeks. Steve groans loudly, giving a thrust before he reaches down to readjust himself, but Bucky stops him with a hand on his wrist. "Keep going."

" _God_ , Bucky," Steve whispers. He wraps both arms around Bucky's waist and pulls him back a bit, rubbing his cock between Bucky's cheeks with as much restraint as he can bear. "Fuck, you're amazing. Love this ass of yours, Buck - so thick, so pretty. Next time, I wanna try eating you out - d'you want that?"

Bucky moans, arching back into Steve's arms. "God, yes, Stevie." He rubs his ass against Steve's cock, precome and lube slicking the way. "Could you get off on just that? Could you come from eating my ass and rubbing off on the bed?"

Steve's hips stutter, and then he's coming, all over Bucky's ass and the small of his back, with Bucky's hips moving and helping him ride out his orgasm. Steve collapses back against the headboard, out of breath, just able to watch as Bucky works over his cock.

"That's it, Buck," Steve whispers, pressing himself tight against Bucky's back and hooking his chin over Bucky's shoulder, his arms still tight around Bucky's waist. "That's it, baby, work that cock for me. Want you to come all over yourself, my love, wanna see you tip over that edge." He kisses Bucky's neck lightly, a barely-there brush of his lips, and Bucky fucks up into his hand with a whimper.

"Gimme your hand," Bucky whispers, taking Steve's hand in his. He guides Steve's hand down his stomach, down until Steve's curling his fingers around the base of Bucky's cock. At the first touch of his hand Bucky's stiffening up in Steve's arms, and his cock jerks in Steve's hand and releases ropes of white fluid, painting Bucky's chest and stomach. Steve keeps his hand on Bucky's cock, not moving, just holding him as he pants through his orgasm, and when he's finally past the aftershocks Bucky collapses against Steve's chest, panting heavily.

"Good?" Steve asks softly, suddenly feeling a little nervous. Bucky lets out a disbelieving laugh, turning his head to look Steve in the eye.

"Fucking amazing," he replies, and Steve can't help the stupid grin that covers his face. "Grab the wet wipes, would you? I don't wanna have dry come on my back."

Steve obediently reaches over to the bedside table to take out the wet wipes, cleaning up Bucky as best he can. When he's finished, they curl up under the covers together, Bucky's head resting on Steve's chest.

"And how was..." Steve hesitates, trying to figure out how to phrase it. "You didn't mind it when I rubbed off on you?"

"It was... nice," Bucky says a bit hesitantly, like he's trying to find the right words. "It didn't feel like you were using me, but more like... like I was letting you get off? I was in control the whole time. With... With Hydra, I was never in control." He snuggles further into Steve's arms, kissing the swell of Steve's pec. "You'd let me do whatever the hell I wanted."

"I would," Steve agreed, resting his cheek on Bucky's head. "I'd let you do anything you want to me."

Bucky hums sleepily. "Maybe I will let you eat me out next time. But I wanna be on top."

Steve needs to seriously focus on not getting hard again; the mental image of Bucky riding his face, chasing his own pleasure, is almost too much to bear. "Anything you want, baby."

Bucky presses his face to Steve's chest with a happy little sigh, and Steve drifts off to sleep with the imprint of Bucky's lips right above his heart.

**Author's Note:**

> Aghhh only one more to go!
> 
> Come say hi on [tumblr!](https://wayward-lives.tumblr.com)


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